You know that your Schnauzer basically owns you, right?
Wake up in an orderly fashion every day to fill my empty bowl. I will serve as your alarm clock and reminder if you fail to do so.
Bathroom time is always together time.
You must give me a nibble of every piece of food you eat…unless it’s a vegetable. Those are yours.
NEVER come home smelling of other dogs. I will be checking your collar for slobber stains.
Let me get inside or outside of the house at my request, no matter how many times I’ve asked already. I would do the same for you if I had opposable thumbs and you didn’t, okay?
I can sleep anywhere I want, whether it be my bed, your bed, or in your clean basket of laundry.
Please always appreciate when I alert you of noises I hear outside. I’ve saved your life hundreds of times already.
If it lands on the floor, it’s mine.
Take me on one visit per day to see the magical creature called Squirrel and his buddy, Raccoon.
Cuddle with me at least five times a day. While doing it you must tell me how cute and soft I am.
I get shotgun every time, regardless of whether I remember to call it or not.
Leave one pair of your stinky shoes out per day for me to chew on. Stinky socks and underwear will do, too.
Do not dress me as you please. I prefer to be naked.
Banish the ridiculous plastic headpiece that you sometimes make me wear.
And water torture is ILLEGAL.
I may use whatever furniture I wish, even if you’re already sitting on it.
We shall never be apart, and I will always be by your side.